Talk it down.

Ah the phantom boner. An unexplained erection experienced by 12-14 year olds the world over. One second you’re taking in a geometry lesson and the next you’re sporting full wood. For no reason. It just happened. And for me, quite often. The timing was always horrible too. Like right at the end of class or just as it was my turn to present something. But you learn to cope. You talk it down in your head. Bea Arthur naked. Bea Arthur naked with Nell Carter. Bea Arthur naked with Nell Carter and Nat from Facts of Life throwing up on each other. Whatever it took to coax it down. If that failed, loose fitting track pants coupled with a strategic walk could also hide the culprit. Or you simply sat at your desk with a suspicious look on your face while everyone else left.

I’m thankful that this phenomenon has not followed me into my thirties. Presenting to a client with a hard on is definitely a career game changer. “Hey honey. They let me go. Got a boner while presenting our annual report. Should have worn my track pants”. Tee hee. I said “boner”.